Midnight Thoughts
by Ria D'Arcy
Summary: Killua and Gon have reached the 200th floor of the Celestial Tower and this is a drabble on the thoughts that pass through Killua's mind one sleepless night. One shot.


I lay in the soft hotel bed, adjusted my arms which rested beneath my head, and stared up at the ceiling. It was well past midnight; the moonlight was diluted where it spilled a line across the ceiling, the wall, and even rested over my ankles.

I shifted again, soundlessly turning onto my left side, one arm still resting between my head and the mattress. I looked to the boy sleeping haphazardly not even a foot from where I lay. Both arms were flung above his head, snoring soundly with the goofiest smile on his face. One leg was on top of the covers, the other buried beneath the disrupted sheets. I smiled at Gon; a small, sad smile.

He was so carefree. So happy all the time. He trusted and made friends with such an ease that I found myself jealous more times then I wanted to admit. Even to myself.

What if I had grown up like Gon? Would I have been happy like he was? It was all speculation. Pointless, senseless speculation…

I had been raised on a secluded mountain, isolated from what everyone else experiences growing up. Kukuroo Mountain; the home of my family. Tourist destination for those who wished to challenge the Zoldycks or simply gaze upon our ill-gotten wealth.

Since birth I had been under the care of my father and eldest brother. To say it was torture was inaccurate. To me, torture was an everyday occurrence. To everyone else, it was an abomination for a child to be raised in the environment I was raised in.

Since birth my family had praised me, saying I was a prodigy. But if being a prodigy in the family meant having to endure beyond my limits till I was near death every minute of every day, then I didn't want to be a prodigy.

I didn't want to be the Zoldyck family heir.

If I could trade in my life for a simple living like what Gon experienced, I would choose to do so until my dying breath.

I felt my eyes soften and I nearly laughed. Instead, I let slip the barest of chuckles. _Dying breath huh? _Until Gon, that's all I thought I was taking. Every breath could have been my last, when my heart and lungs could have stopped working and my eyes would glaze over.

My gaze sharpened as Gon twitched in his sleep, another snore coming from his throat. Soon enough though he was once more still, back to dreaming whatever happy dream he had been dreaming.

If only I could experience those same carefree dreams… But I couldn't. I didn't dream. I couldn't dream. My whole childhood had been focused on survival. I did not sleep unless it was pertinent to staying completely alert. One hundred twenty hours, seventeen minutes and forty-two seconds. That was how long I could stay awake.

That was over five days. That was my limit. And it still wasn't good enough for my family. My older brother Milluki could last longer… and _he_ was an overweight otaku that never left the house. But even Mil couldn't compare to aniki.

Illumi was so much better than me in everything, but he had had to work harder for the results he had gained. He was the one who pushed me the hardest in my training. Dad had left it to him to make sure I reached my full potential as quickly as possible.

Aniki had controlled every second of my life while he was home. My only reprieves from his relentless attentions were when aniki took on assignments.

I sighed and shifted once more onto my back, refocusing on the ceiling. The silvery light from the moon was no longer visible above my head, instead washed across the white ceiling were tints of gray. The sun was rising. It would be dawn soon, and not long after that Gon would awaken and want to start another adventure. We were in the Celestial Tower after all.

When I had come here at the age of six it was because of dad and not Illumi. Dad wanted me to reach the 200th floor before I was allowed to go back home. Two years it had taken me. And now I had reached this floor in almost no time.

Had I really improved so much? Or was it simply because I had been so weak back then?

Those two years had been the longest reprieve from training I had ever known. But it was not a reprieve from aniki. He had constantly been shadowing me when I went out into the city. Aniki had never truly left me alone. Not in all the years I could remember.

Even when he wasn't present in the physical sense, there had always been this lingering feeling I had known. I was constantly aware of it. Only now did I know what that lingering feeling was. It was Illumi's nen. His manipulative aura which clung to my mind like another skin.

To this day I could still feel it. A pair of eyes which burned into the back of my neck. Constantly watching. Judging. Calculating _everything_.

Would I ever be free of my family?

Would I ever be free of aniki?

I didn't know. I was afraid to know.

I didn't want my time with Gon to come to an end. I wanted my life to remain as it was now for as long as possible.

But if one thing my family had taught me was true, it was life was a constant motion. Nothing stayed still for very long. If you weren't moving, if you weren't changing and adapting to everything around you, you were dead.

And if you didn't adapt fast enough, you were dead.

If you chose not to change, you were dead.

I reluctantly closed my eyes, forcing my thoughts away and my mind into a blank state. I wouldn't think of all the things my family had taught me. I wanted to focus on all the good things I had been learning, experiencing, and all because of Gon.

Keeping my eyes closed, I kept my breathing even, feigning sleep. It wasn't long before Gon stirred beside me. I felt the shift as he sat up, heard the air whoosh from his lungs as he yawned and most probably stretched.

Any second now and Gon would…

"Ne~ Killua?" Gon gently shook my shoulder, then not so gently shook it. "Killua wake up!"

"Nu…" I thickened my voice, feigning the act of waking up. "What Gon? It's too early to be up yet." But I sat up anyways, staring into his beaming face.

"Let's go Killua! Today's the day Wing-san promised to explain more about _nen_!" The island boy bounced off the bed and instantly pulled off his shirt, on his way to the bathroom to take a shower.

"Oi!" I called after him, waiting until his head poked back out of the bathroom, "Leave some hot water for me this time."

"O~kay." The door closed once more and I heard the hiss of the pipes as the taps were opened. I smiled, looking to the window. The curtains were drawn closed, preventing me from seeing the sky line. I slowly climbed off the bed, suddenly needing to see the sky lighten as the day began.

I didn't want to miss a minute of my time with Gon. I knew it was already limited.

Everything in life was limited. But… my mind protested, was there a way my time with Gon could be extended? Even just that fraction of a second longer…

I pulled the thick beige curtains apart in one motion and stood, looking out at a bright world filled with colors. Even now, seeing something as simple as a sunrise from somewhere other than Kukuroo Mountain seemed like a miracle to me.

"Ki~llu~a." Gon's voice turned me from my thoughts and I looked back into the hotel room to see him exit the bathroom. He was dressed in his green shorts and black muscle shirt, rubbing at his spiky black hair that was tinted green at the tips. He gave me a big grin and I felt the smile I gave him back. I didn't smile much in my childhood, and now just seeing that grin made me smile.

It was still amazing the effect Gon had on me. Even though we had gone through so much in the Hunter Exam, and even now with him trying to fight Hisoka, it was like that smile just couldn't be beaten.

Like nothing in the world could go wrong so long as that smile remained as bright as it was right now.

"Come on Killua! We can't keep Wing-san waiting."

"Yeah, yeah. I just hope you left me some hot water." I sauntered across the room, passing by Gon and went to take my shower. The thoughts that had drifted through my mind during the night hours already fleeting.

But they would return once the sun set again. They were like a reoccurring nightmare.

* * *

_A/N: A little 1500+ word drabble on Killua's thoughts. When I started this, I honestly didn't think it would be this long - but I just let it flow and I like how it turned out. I'm not used to writing one-shots like this but hey, when the mood strikes you just have to seize the moment. Carpe diem! Or technically for me, Carpe Noctem (seize the night)._


End file.
